A Sin That So Easily Entangles

There are times that I feel compelled to blog about something going on in my life

As you can see from my sporadic posting, I don't feel that very often

But tonight, I felt it

 And even though I'm tired and it's way past my bedtime, I'm going to do my best to write

On April 3rd just before 5 in the morning, I was in Abe's dark bedroom nursing

Usually I would sit in my armchair with eyes closed, trying to stay as relaxed as possible

I would quietly wait for Abe to drift off so that I could stumble my way back to bed

Suddenly, the stillness and silence was interrupted by the sound of my husband weeping

He pushed open the door, and through sobs, told me the news that his older sister had taken her life

We sat there together, tears flowing, hearts broken, mind confused, hoping this was all a dream

We had just spent the prior weekend together

Only 4 days ago we had hugged her

Laughed with her

Played with her

Ate with her

We knew she was at a very low point

I had told her that weekend;

"We're both a mess right now. We can do it together!"

One of my first reactions when finding out the terrible news was anger

I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and say;

"I don't want to live either Val, but we don't get to choose death!"

It's not an option

For the past 7 months I have experienced the deepest depression I've ever gone through

My days were surrounded by a darkness you could feel

It was like a heavy blanket that suffocated my breath, muffled the words of truth, and blinded my eyes from clarity 

In my weakness I welcomed bitterness, resentment, and self pity as companions

What I didn't realize, was that the first was a stronger force than I had ever reckoned with and was out to take my life

Bitterness began to wind itself around my heart like a thorny invasive weed and I was powerless to free myself from his tight grasp 

I was so angry at God and began to doubt his goodness

Because of those doubts, I became stubborn and would not cry out for help

This emptiness became my new normal

I lost the will to fight and strain against the strangling chords

I felt myself slip into acceptance mingled with despair

I was losing hope and that is one thing you cannot live without

On a mild summer night in June I sat on my in-laws front step with Jake and his younger sister Mel

Under the glow of the street lights we covered many topics

One thing you can be sure of in this packed full house of 8 Paurus', a day doesn't go by without us talking about Val

Most of the time I just sit there and listen

Taking it all in

Letting the words, tears, and times of silence paint pictures of the sister I wish I knew more

The 3 of us were doing just that

Painting with words

Asking hard questions

Allowing tears to fall

It had been a long time since I felt like I heard from the Lord but in that moment it was clear as can be

I remembered a sculpture that Val had made after graduating from college

It was one of those pieces of art that captivates and disturbs at the same time

Part of you wants to look away, but a still stronger part holds your gaze

I remembered the heart

Tethered and tied up in a box

I knew in that moment that my own heart looked like that

I felt God gently but firmly tell me that the battle for my heart was a matter of life or death

Nothing spectacular happened right then and there, but from that moment on there was a cry for help inside of me

I knew I was too weak to overcome the sin that had entangled me-

But I had to trust that his power was perfect in my weakness

In the last couple weeks I've started to feel the change

Slowly but surely my cold hardened heart is melting

It's like the master gardener is snipping the thick vines one by one

And I can finally breathe again

I can finally say that I have hope

I can finally say that I believe that God is good

I wish I could have walked through this journey with my sweet sister in-law

I wish I would have told her just how dark my days were, so that I could share the light I now see

I can't, and I know how unhealthy it is for me to dwell on the "I wish" and "if onlys" 

But I knew I was supposed to write this blog post

Because maybe there's someone who might stumble upon my weak and feeble journey and find comfort in it

Know this:

He hears the cry of the broken and the destitute

He really does have timing that is perfect

He is near in the midst of pain

He sees your weak love as real love

There is no pit too deep

No sin too disgraceful

No heart too dark

If you listen and watch, you'll notice His goodness all around

He's inviting you to draw near

to simply ask

All it takes is one cry for help

And he will rescue you

Mother's Day

This Mother's Day has come with a lot of feelings

This is true for so many women

Moms who have lost children, young and old

Women longing to have children but can't

Mothers who have passed away, making this day a time of mourning and remembrance

Today I woke up to the happiest little 4 month old laying next to me

His sweet gummy smile and wiggly thunder thighs filling my heart to the brim

It almost made me forget the reason he was in my bed in the first place
Abe has some skin issues that have us stumped
It affects his sleeping, his eating, and basically makes him miserable whenever he has a flare up
Last night I couldn't handle watching him rub his face raw, so I slept with my arm pinning his hands down the whole night

After that I went in to my 2 year old's room and heard his cute little voice ask,
"Hello Mama! What are you doing?"
(This question is more of a greeting than an actual inquiry)
His first words of the day were exclamations about diggers and dump trucks and trains
And then hunger set in and he requested "eggsy toast?"
Experiencing him grow in communication and imagination filled my heart to the brim
It almost made me forget his independent 2 year old tantrums
And dinner time
I don't even want to think about how dinner time goes most nights

That's how most of my days are since becoming a mom
Motherhood has brought me to the deepest and darkest of lows
And to the brightest and sunniest of highs
How can 2 little people make me laugh so hard in one moment, and cry even harder the next?

These past 4 months have been some of the darkest
There has been:
Sickness, depression, exhaustion, a death in the family, and a move halfway across the country
Dealing with just one of those circumstances would be hard
All of them at once, at times, seemed unbearable
The biggest challenge was battling the temptation to be offended at God
I hated the trials I was facing
I despised weakness
And on most days I scorned my role as a mother

This season has made me painfully aware that my view on suffering is not a biblical one
So often my response was:
"If you really loved me you would _________!"
When in reality the discipline itself was proof of his love
The discipline of the Father that was supposed to humble me and send me to my knees in surrender and prayer, instead made me question God and in my pride I got angry and doubted His goodness

This has been a time of crushing 

I feel weaker than I ever have

I am learning to kiss the wave that slams me into the Rock of ages

I am learning to consider it pure joy whenever I face trials 

I am learning to be united to Christ through suffering 

I am learning to be trained by discipline 

I am learning that the gospel isn't about having an easy life

So this Mother's Day I woke up with a lot of feelings 

Feeling grateful to be gifted with two beautiful boys

Feeling exhausted and worn thin by some of the challenges that come with parenting them

My flesh wants the sleepless nights, the inconvenience, and the pain to end

But the Spirit says to lay down my life 

So today I hold tight and kiss these little waves of mine

And welcome the crushing that comes from that solid Rock

Cottage Weekend

I was looking through old pictures on my phone when I found some that brought back vivid memories. 

I had been meaning to post them here on the blog, but never got around to it.

Now it's been almost a year since they were taken. 

It was from the internship retreat with Gateway House of Prayer last spring.

Jake and I were home group leaders, as well as mentors and were going along to help lead.

I was a little nervous coming into it because trips like these were always a bit complicated when you have a toddler and sleep a "third shift" schedule.

It was looking like we would have to share a room with other people, and be on the basement floor, which means lots of loud footsteps in the 'morning' when we needed to be sleeping. 

If it was just Jake and I, we could easily handle a weekend of switching up our schedule and getting less sleep.

But with a toddler, it's not that simple. 

When we arrived to the retreat center, we found out there was a change of plans.

The couple who came up to do the teaching portion of the retreat, decided to give up the tiny cottage next to the retreat center, so that we could have our own space.

I couldn't believe it. 

All my worrying and fretting for nothing.

And not only did we have our own space so we could sleep, it was gorgeous!

It was the quaintest little cottage you could imagine!

Since it was rainy and chilly, we were very happy to have the warmth from the stove, and a kettle to make some tea.

We were so happy and felt so blessed.

That weekend I also came down with a 24 hour stomach bug.

The kind where you have a really high fever, dizziness, aches and pains, and lots and lots of running to the bathroom. 

I spent most of my time in the cottage, tossing and turning in a strange fever struck state of mind.

To keep me busy, Jake turned on an audio book for me to listen to. 

It was a book a friend of ours wrote for children all about preparing for trials and testings before Jesus comes back. (You should definitely check it out here).

Since it was written with children in mind, the message is communicated in clear and simple terms with powerful analogies. 

I cried, as I lay there sweating and nauseous, over my own divided heart that was quick to worry, become apathetic, and lose sight of the hope of the gospel. 

I remember praying that I would stay on the narrow path, and be faithful to the end before falling asleep.

That night, in my weak feverish state, I had a very vivid dream about the New Jerusalem.

I'll never forget that dream, and the comfort it has brought to me as I set my hope on the age to come. 

The Lord used this time of weakness to speak to me and draw me closer to Himself.

That little cottage will forever remind me of that intimate weekend I had with God and how He chooses to move in mysterious ways. 

What's in a name?

Our way of choosing names for our children have been very similar thus far. 

With Israel I felt like God gave me a clear picture of what he wanted our son's name to represent.

Now with Abe, the same thing happened to Jake. 

We never spent time looking at name books or weighing different options. 

It was almost as if the name was chosen for us. 

Here are Jake's thoughts on why we chose the name Abe.

We named our son Abraham after the father of the faith because of the example of his life. Because of his faith and obedience, God promised an unchangeable blessing coming through his family line. We often think of blessing in temporal ways,( ie. wealth, health, and happiness), however "blessing" in the ultimate sense refers to the resurrection of the dead and restoration of creation. Think about it, after Adam and Eve ate from the tree, a curse was pronounced on creation and human bodies. What was the curse? Death. They had to return to the dust from which they came. But even from the beginning, God promised a seed would come and end the perversion of sin and the resultant death. Blessing=reversal of the curse. During a time of concerted human rebellion against God (Tower of Babylon), Abraham was singled out as the one whom God would bring about this blessing through. Abe's part was to leave Babylon and its idolatry, obey Gods voice, and walk blamelessly before Him. God's promise to him and his seed was the land of Canaan as an eternal inheritance (Genesis 13:17, 17:6-8). Interestingly enough, the book of Hebrews says that Abraham never received his inheritance but lived his life as a pilgrim and sojourner living in tents in the very same land he was promised. Why? Because he was waiting "for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God. "(‭Hebrews‬ ‭11‬:‭10‬ NKJV) He was looking for the day when God would send the Seed, reverse the curse of death, and give him the allotted land as an everlasting possession. This is what is so inspiring about Abraham: Against all odds and against the current of the culture, he took God at His word and gave it all for the hope of inheriting the promise in the age to come. Hebrews 6 describes the blessing promised to Abraham and his seed as an anchor for our soul. In the midst of the turbulent sea, an anchor is what tethers the ship from drifting away. In times of great distress and peril, we need an anchor of hope. Hope is an absolute confidence in a concrete event in the future. We don't hope for things we already have or can see. We hope for a future reality. For followers of Jesus, our hope is Abrahams hope: the resurrection of the dead and the restoration of creation.

Our prayer for our son is that he, like the father of the faith, would leave Babylon behind, obey God's voice, walking blamelessly before Him as he sets His hope on the City to come.

Here are some pictures our friend took when they came to visit Abe.

I think he is either 2 or 3 days old in these.

Abraham Timothy's Birth Story

Waiting for our little one to be born this time around was challenging.

Jake's family came in on Christmas day and were planning on staying till January 3rd.

It was so important to me that I have the baby before they left, and ideally I wanted them to have as much time with our little one as possible.

It was tempting during this waiting period to feel anxious and a bit angry at God for not allowing our baby to come at the time that seemed to be the most practical or ideal. 

I'm learning (and relearning) that God's not always so interested in making our lives convenient and easy.

He was coaxing me to trust Him, even when it didn't seem to make sense.

I still don't understand why He chose this moment, but on Tuesday (the 30th) at 10:30 pm, as Jake's sister, her husband, and their nephew pulled up to our house from New York, my water broke.

Everyone was excited, to say the least, and I was ready to get things started.

Jake packed up all our last minute things we needed while I showered, and then we tried to go to bed. 

Contractions got regular and strong pretty quickly. 

By midnight we called the birth center to let them know how things were going and they suggested we start heading in since we had such a long drive ahead of us.

When we arrived at the birth center all the doors were locked and after a few minutes of knocking, we were a bit concerned that no one was going to come. 

After making some phone calls, and slightly frantically banging on the doors, the midwife came to the door, saying that they heard us knock, but were literally delivering a baby right when we got there. 

It was a busy night for them!

We got settled in our birthing room, and after getting checked discovered, to my delight, I was already 6 cms! 

I felt so encouraged and ready to get to work. 

I asked for the tub to be filled, but sadly contractions slowed down quite a bit after only a few minutes in the tub. 

I got out and began pacing back and forth in the room. 

With Misty Edwards singing in the background we spent the next hour or so worshipping, walking, chatting, and getting things to move faster. 

I felt so 'in control' during this time as I relaxed through each contraction and things began to intensify.

After throwing up a few times, and noticing that my contractions were getting harder to handle, I got back in the tub.

I went through about 45 minutes to an hour of 'transition' and was starting to feel a lot less confident and not at all in control. 

I kept pleading with the midwife to let me push, but she assured me I wasn't ready yet and that I would know when the time was right. 

I changed my position in the tub and something definitely clicked. 

Suddenly, a contraction rolled over me and my body began pushing.

The midwife was busy calling the nurses into the room and didn't tell me what to do, so I just kept pushing...

...and pushing...

until all in the course of one contraction, our little baby boy entered the world.

I was so relieved to be done and elated to be holding our son in my arms. 

The moments that followed were far from peaceful due to fear that I was hemorrhaging and all the things that needed to be done to stop the bleeding. 

When I finally did get to relax with my baby in my arms, it was a sweet moment indeed.

After 5 and a half hours of labor, Abraham Timothy was born, on December 31st at 4:09 a.m.

He was 8 pounds 4 ounces and 20 and a quarter inches long.

He looks just like his daddy and we love him so much. 

 brothers meeting for the first time

one proud papa

The Consolation of Israel

Here is another post from Jake:

The Consolation of Israel

In my last post I talked about how "Christ" means anointed one which means that Jesus is the Anointed King of Israel. Check out Psalm 2, one the most quoted psalms in the New Testament:

The kings of the earth set themselves, And the rulers take counsel together, Against the LORD and against His Anointed, saying, “Let us break Their bonds in pieces And cast away Their cords from us...yet I have set My King On My holy hill of Zion.” “I will declare the decree: The LORD has said to Me, ‘You are My Son, Today I have begotten You. Ask of Me, and I will give You The nations for Your inheritance, And the ends of the earth for Your possession. (‭Psalms‬ ‭2‬:‭2-8‬ NKJV)

If you're around church during Christmas time, most likely you will hear certain passages of Scripture recited concerning the birth of Jesus. And if you've grown up in church like me, you've heard them year after year and it's easy to zone out, eyes glaze over, and completely miss what is being said. Though in doing so, we do a great disservice to one of the most foundational parts of the story, not simply that Jesus came in a cute manger scene with shepherds and cuddly animals standing by, but more importantly that Jesus came on the scene as a continuation of a much grander storyline. Christianity does not begin with the birth of Christ. It starts in Genesis with the creation account, the fall, the rebellion of man, Abraham, the Patriarchs, the election of Israel, the giving of the Law, King David, the Prophets, etc. The New Testament assumes the storyline of the Old. It builds on a pre-existent foundation laid in the Law & Prophets. Therefore when Jesus arrives, certain ideas like salvation, the gospel, the Christ, the Kingdom, were established clear in the minds of the early Jews who heard his message. And this is why I think it is critical to gain an understanding of what The Old Testament says. Just because we call it the "old" testament doesn't mean it is outdated or no longer useful.

In Luke 2, after his birth, Jesus is brought up to The temple by his parents. he is noticed by two aged and devout Israelites, Simeon and Anna. Verse 25 says, Simeon was righteous and devout, "looking for the consolation of Israel." Anna, who rarely left the temple from her fasting and prayer, spoke of the child "to all who were looking for the redemption of Jerusalem." (V. 38)

The consolation of Israel and the redemption of Jerusalem are promises referring to the age to come, when the Messiah will make Jerusalem a praise in all the earth (isaiah 62:6). Israel's history, even to this very day, is far from what Isaiah says in chapter 40, a salvation which Simeon and Anna were certainly yearning for: "Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem and cry to her that her warfare is ended, and her iniquity is pardoned." If Jesus is indeed the promised Christ, why hasn't war in Israel ended? Did he fail to fulfill the promises made to the Abraham, David, and the Jewish people? Not at all! Rather His first coming was "to bear the sins of many. To those who eagerly wait for Him He will appear a second time, apart from sin, for salvation."(‭Hebrews‬ ‭9‬:‭28‬ NKJV) Not one stroke of the pen from all that was written in the law and the prophets will be left unfulfilled. That's the point of all this. Jesus is coming a second time, but this time it won't be to suffer, but to be glorified as the King of Israel, the Lion of Judah. In that day, the warfare in Jerusalem will be forever ended the consolation and redemption that Simeon and Anna were longing for will be realized. 

Even so, come Lord Jesus!