Cut through the fog!

Thank you very much to all who have been praying for me to hear from God about my future. It looks like I will be returning to Pennsylvania at least for four months to reconnect with family and to spend time at Gateway House of Prayer. To send me home for only four months without vision past that seemed really scary to me at first. The thought of just living in my parents house and working a random job always seemed like a formula for disaster. The House of Prayer internship sounded good but I didn't want to risk having no vision for what came after. God showed me that I can always trust Him for the next steps. When the Israelites were in the desert God told them only to gather enough bread for one day. He wanted them to trust Him for each day's provision. The next four months will be some awesome set apart time for me and God and I know He will show me what comes after that. He is so faithful to me and I'm ok with only knowing a small portion. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next!

Fuzzy thoughts

It's time. I need to update. Life has been pretty uneventful in some ways lately. I've spent a lot of time on homework and it seems like that's how the rest of my time here will be. I'm still waiting on God about future plans, so that has taken up a lot of time, attention, and energy.

In more exciting news, I got a concussion today (got a concussion? Is that the right wording? Received a concussion? Had a concussion? Was given a concussion?) ! Don't worry, I wasn't in a fight or anything eventful like that. I was actually dusting. So now I'm just going through the foggy buzzy feeling I have in my mind that has actually enabled me to have a blissfully enjoyable evening! I know this may sound crazy, but I feel like my Spirit has been a lot sharper today while my mind and reflexes are a little lagging. If that's the case, I wouldn't mind getting knocked on the noggin more often! Maybe this is a small example of God's strength being made perfect in our weakness...

And the grand finale of the post.... pictures of my newest nephew! He's eight months old now and recently got some professional photos taken. Seriously, I'm trying not to be biased, but he's one of the cutest kids I've ever seen, thunder thighs and all!

P.S. Hi Caleb.

Roller coaster

This weekend was a lot of fun. Friday night we had an outdoor movie showing. Saturday was full of beach and fireworks. Sunday had a nice slow start with church and time alone with parks,cook outs and fireworks to finish the day. Monday we woke up, made waffles, went for a walk to a Finnish Bistro, and just relaxed. It was a good weekend.

If you think to pray for me I would appreciate it very much. I'm in the final week of the class where we write the paper dealing with our futures. I know this isn't about the class, but I still feel like I should expect God to give me some clarity on what's next soon. I'm feeling a bit 'moody' about all of my options lately. It seems like every other day (or even hour!) I've changed how I feel about certain aspects or ideas I'm leaning towards. I know I can't base any decisions about my future off of emotions, but this roller coaster is really draining. I trust that my Father will come through not a moment too late, I just want to be in the right place when He does.

Lentil Stew

Random thought : fasting makes me feel a bit more compassion towards Esau. Sometimes the lentil stew just looks so good!

This weekend my good friends Neal and Natasha came for a visit so that Natasha could attend a small baby shower held by some people here on campus. I got really excited about their future baby girl and decided to knit some baby head bands. I had so much fun making them and got told by lots of people that I could sell them if I wanted. That would be fun.

 It was great to hang out with them again and sad to say goodbye. Next time we see one another they will have a little one! That just seems so crazy!

Much of my spare time lately has been spent talking to God or pondering about my future. I need to have some answers to complete a paper for my graduation, and also so I can buy a plane ticket. At times this process has been extremely stressful and overwhelming to me. Lately I feel like God has been able to show me another side of waiting that I often forget or ignore. If He gave us everything we wanted as soon as we think to ask for it we wouldn't experience some of the depths of our relationship with Him that are only encountered through desperation, longing, waiting, and crying out. He wants us to trust Him for everything. The pictures in the Bible of people asking repeatedly for their plea to be answered are there for a reason. He wants us to come after Him, and I've decided to respond as heartily as I can. I'm chasing until I catch something and will enjoy the many hours with my Maker a long the way.

Colorado

This past weekend my teammates and I made a 15 hour journey to Colorado to see our team leader Cory get married. Colorado is such a beautiful state, but sadly I only have seen it for short weekend trips. The car rides were a bit grueling but not lacking in excitement. We actually got to watch a tornado touch down during our first few hours of driving and then supposedly drove through an area where about 50 tornadoes were seen! The wedding was beautiful and simple and we were all so pleased to see our friends again. We stayed with the parents of one of my teammates and were treated so well. All in all it was a lovely weekend and somehow fitting for our group to be taking one last long journey together in a car. This time it wasn't to another country, but hey, it was still an adventure.

photo credit: Emily Ona

For Clara

Last Sunday I was home for church and a lovely woman named Clara told me that she still reads my blog. That is inspiration enough for me to update.

My time here back on Bethany campus has been really great. It's been wonderful to be around some good old friends making memories and cherishing this short summer we have together. The evenings have been fun and lighthearted and the weekends have been full of adventures and relaxation. I haven't had that in a long time. Still during this time it has been a bit of a struggle to engage in the two focuses that our college is requiring us to pay attention to right now: debriefing Austria and figuring out what is to come in the future. A long with the decision making for the future we've been asked to focus a lot on who we are, what we've learned and how God has gifted us or what passions He has given us. I'm pretty sure that every human has the capacity to be a good processor, but sometimes I seriously doubt my ability to do that. Maybe I just haven't figured out what works best for me, but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around all of these topics. I've felt so tempted to be afraid and nervous that God will not speak, or that when He does speak I won't like the answer. True to His character, God has used this opportunity of my extreme weakness to be my source of strength.

It all came to a climax when last week my Grandma died. She was my last grandparent alive on earth and I was really bummed I was unable to be home during her last days in the hospital. She lived a good long life, so her death in itself wasn't as earth shattering as my feeling of helplessness and loneliness away from home, away from family, and full of confusion in my own heart and mind about my own life and circumstances. But in the midst of the wave, God was faithful to pull me up. My pastor from back home preached a sermon on Job this Sunday that was so timely to hear. The God that fills all of the requirements of Job 38-41 (who shut up the sea, has seen the gates of shadow and death, the father of the drops of dew, who sends the lightning bolts on their way..... just to name a few things) He knows what is going on with me, He is in every way good, and only He knows. I just have to be ok with that, and I think that's enough for me.

At the end of the sermon we sang the hymn "Be Still My Soul" and it touched me deeply to be reminded how through God's love and my dependence on Him I can be lead to a joyful end. Here are some of the lyrics.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Oh, and last but not least, I got to see my newest nephew again :)