Minnesota Trip

We're currently in Minnesota for 3 weeks, visiting family and friends and seeking the Lord for some vision and direction for the next phase of life. We've felt God stirring up new excitement and passion over the last year and sense a move toward pursuing some of them. I know those were some super vague statements, but we really are trying to figure everything out ourselves. We've spent a lot of time in prayer, seeking counsel, and mapping out all the pros and cons of some different options. It's been an emotional time for me, as I feel like I've been a few steps behind Jake in hearing from God/feeling excited and passionate about change. Change. It's become a lot more intimidating now that I've become a mama. Change means challenging times with a toddler. Change means my weaknesses become a lot more obvious and I have to lean more heavily on the Holy Spirit. Change; not a bad thing, but almost always brings something hard. I'm crying out for a yielded heart that says "not my will but Yours be done." Anyways, here are some pictures from our time here so far.

 Izzy has become a fan of all things water, as long as he doesn't get too wet. 

 Izzy and his new friend Maddox sharing some cheerios together

 I learned how to make challah bread and am so excited to make it again!

 I savored my mother-in-laws last peonies of the year

 Izzy's first time at a splash pad. He loved watching the other kids and sticking his shoes in the water

 Minneapolis 

 Sipping a drink at one of our favorite cafes.

 I'm not sure who enjoys chalk time more, Jake or Izzy.

 We went on a date to Stillwater and took a cruise down the St. Croix

(really blurry picture, but I love it so much!)

This guy has been a trooper this trip. We've taken him to so many new places, skipped naps, ate at strange times and basically tossed everything he once knew as normal out the window. He's had his melt down moments, but for the most part is handling it like a champ. 

A Worm

Have you ever felt like your character was in question?

Have you ever felt like you weren't trusted?

Have you ever felt misunderstood?

Have you ever felt evaluated and found wanting?

You know why all of those things feel so terrible when we experience them? 

It's because we love ourselves.

We can be so consumed with 'me' that any attack against this obsession leaves us angry, resentful, and defensive. 

So why not defend our honor and set the record straight? 

Isn't that only fair? 

Isn't that just?

Well, we will almost always react rather than respond.

We will almost always bring others lower in order to raise ourselves higher.

We will almost always give in to arrogance before all is said and done. 

Hallelujah! There is good news in all of this! 

We have the most beautiful example in Jesus; the most misunderstood man.

His character was questioned, and he did not defend.

He was not trusted, but he did not react.

He was misunderstood, and continued to puzzle the masses.

His reputation was drug through the mud, but he showed us meakness.

"In a pathetic passage in a prophetic psalm, He (Jesus) says,

'I am a worm, and no man.'

Those who have been in tropical lands tell us the difference between a snake and a worm, when you attempt to strike at them. The snake rears itself up and hisses and tries to strike back- a true picture of self. But a worm offers no resistance, it allows you to do what you like with it, kick it or squash it under your heel- a picture of true brokenness." Roy Hession - The Calvary Road

The cross is the most relevant message to me daily. 

I don't ever graduate from this lesson.

The cross isn't our 'stepping stone' onto bigger and better things.

The cross needs to be ever before me, or else I quickly begin to wander. 

"Brokenness in daily experience is simply the response of humility to the conviction of God. And inasmuch as this conviction is continuous, we shall need to be broken continually. And this can be very costly, when we see all the yielding of rights and selfish interests that this will involve, and the confessions and restitutions that may be sometimes necessary. For this reason, we are not likely to be broken except at the cross of Jesus. The willingness of Jesus to be broken for us is the all-compelling motive in our being broken too." Roy Hession

It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

Oh Lord, give me grace to follow in this beautiful example.

Crumbled

This past year has been the hardest of my life.

 I feel like I got T-boned by motherhood and I'm still in a state of shock as I pick up the pieces while my ears continue to ring from the crash. 

I felt a little sheepish about sharing this with people, because in reality, my life is pretty good. 

I have an amazing husband, a healthy baby (toddler?), a cozy home, food on the table, a supportive community and family nearby.

What more could I ask for?

The storm has been raging on the inside, and underneath my smile and upbeat personality, I've been drowning. 

A few months ago as I was attempting to process some of the emotions that were swirling inside of me I realized a very interesting trend.

All of my life I've been able to be good, or even great, at whatever I do. 

Give me a goal, some guidelines or rules, a time limit and I'm there. 

If at any point I realize that I'm not going to succeed, or be the best, I quit.

I quit.

I run away.

I escape.

I have more stories than I'd like to admit where when faced with weakness or possible failure, I've run for the hills in order to 'save face.' 

For most of my post-high school life I've been in some kind of structured internship or program where I've been able to succeed.

The expectations were set and I was able to meet them, exceed them, and strive for more.

Motherhood is a whole new ballgame.

Success doesn't have a clear definition and being the best doesn't necessarily mean that you have anything to show for it.

And the hardest part of all; there's no escaping when you feel like a failure.

Feeling like a failure while at the same time being struck with the 'mundaneness' of motherhood sent me reeling. 

Now comes in the most helpful article I've read in a long time by a guy named David Sliker.

His post about being 'ordinary' brought to light so much of the struggle going on inside of me.

"The language of the modern church reflects a worldview that is slightly different than the Bible’s definition of success. The cry is often heard at youth gatherings and conferences: “You’re special. You’re powerful. You’re great. You can change the world!” There is a major difference between having a positive outlook and preaching unbiblical positivism. Unbiblical positivism has another name: flattery. Flattery initially feels good to the soul, but is ultimately very damaging to the heart over the long-term. The problems with flattery lie within its vanity and powerlessness to equip the heart for the toils and snares of life."

In other words, I had a self-absorbed and extremely inflated view of myself that loathed weakness and scorned the simplicity and, dare I say, invisible life of a mom. 

When the programs, the awards, the A's, and the acknowledgements disappeared, I felt naked and shaky in my own identity. 

"Some refuse to face the truth about their daily life. They cling to the fantasy they bought wholeheartedly in their younger days, which makes the eventual collision with truth more painful. When life comes crashing into the one who believed the flattering words of a self-absorbed messenger, the consequences are tragic. The heart hardens quickly. Cynicism and bitterness are the beginning of the new life that awaits the disillusioned. Compromise often follows."

I was angry at God.

I was confused, wounded, and depressed.

I felt hardness creeping into my heart and shame coaxed me to isolate, numb, and give myself over to despair.

If it were up to me, I would have stayed in bed all day.

There was no escaping.

There was no quick fix or just right answer.

In fact, I wish I could in all honesty talk about this in a 'past tense' way, but I can't.

This is still hard for me. 

Being great, being in ministry, being gifted, being in the forefront was so woven into the core of me that when it was stripped, I crumbled.

I still feel like I'm in pieces.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed- always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

And now the task is given to me to die. Daily. 

To take up my cross and follow.

"God's not out to hurt your pride, he's out to kill it!"

He's crushing my pride, my vanity, my self-centeredness in hopes of beauty on the other side.

He's looking to make me like gold, which is only perfected through fire.

In his wisdom he gave me the desire to be a mom, knowing that motherhood happened in the background, in the late nights, and in the laying down of my life. 

He does have a plan for me that is extraordinary and through my selfish desires I interpreted that to mean my own greatness.

But in the end, He will receive glory from my life; a broken and contrite spirit that comes from years of patient endurance and faithfulness, by the grace of God!

Fa la la la late!

Even though we're well into February, I'm going to update you all on our Christmas.

Yep, I'm a little bit behind.

I even had an Advent Series post almost completely finished but I never posted it.

traveling + holidays + sickness + sleeplessness = no blogging.

On to Christmas!

This was our first Christmas as a family of 3 and it was so much fun to reminisce about what life looked like just one year before. 

I was very pregnant.

We had a homeless woman living with us.

And we (well mostly me) were desperate to get moved into our new house.

It was an interesting, challenging, and expectant Christmas.

This one was also filled with a few trials, but extremely fun and fulfilling nonetheless.

We knew we were leaving on the 20th on an eighteen hour journey to Minnesota, so we made sure to decorate earlier this year in order to soak it all in. 

Also, this Christmas season was hugely impacted by the focus God was giving us on advent. 

We really enjoyed going through different passages in the Bible highlighting Jesus' first and second coming.

It was very special for Jake and I to do that together.

We liked it so much that we also started up a bible reading plan for the new year.

Izzy was a road trip pro and made the car ride a breeze on the way out.

We stopped in Indiana as the halfway point both ways with our dear friends the Beilers.

Those were precious moments spent with that family. 

Our time in Minnesota started out just as we hoped; filled with family, friends, good food, our wonderful church, and cherished memories made. 

We are so grateful for that first week.

But then, sickness hit. And it hit hard.

All 3 of us got knocked out by some sort of flu or virus or something.

I don't know what it was, but it was awful.

We spent our last week taking care of each other, lounging on the couch, puking, coughing, wiping noses, shivering, aching, and just plain old miserable.

We even stayed an extra day because I wasn't well enough to travel.

Bummer!

It was sort of the best and the worst time to get sick.

The best because Jake's family was so helpful with Izzy and took great care of us.

The worst because we only get to be in Minnesota once in a while and we wanted to make the most of it. 

Either way, it was still special. Jake's whole family got to be together all under one roof and for that I am very grateful.

Now, enough of my rambly-journaling and on to the pictures!

 We got to host our Gateway Staff Christmas party in our home. One thing I've learned about myself over the last year is how much I LOVE to host.

 Izzy got a bunch of his Dad's old animals for Christmas. 

We think he likes them, based on how often he growls at them. 

 A bunch of blonde boys tearing up a phone book. Who knew that could be so fun?

 At first, he was terrified of her. By the end of the visit, he loved her.

 How many Paurus' can you fit on a bed?

Snuggly walks

Found the perfect Christmas PJs at Goodwill.... in January. Oh well.

Sweet dreams!

Advent Series: Highly Favored By God

Hey everyone! Next up is a guest post by my wonderful husband Jake!

What does it look like to be singled out and favored by the Creator of all the Universe? Power, prosperity, and prestige? Jesus' mother Mary experienced this favor firsthand and it's not exactly what we may have had in mind, but there's so much to be learned!

In Luke 1:28, the angel Gabriel shows up in a small living room and greets Mary saying,“Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women!” As far as Mary knew, the last time Gabriel stepped on the scene was to Daniel, when he was sent by God to give Daniel understanding pertaining to the restoration of Jerusalem, the coming of the Messiah, and the desecration and desolation of the Temple (Daniel 9:21-27). Now, here he is standing in Mary's humble home in Nazareth saying that the Lord has chosen her to bestow His blessing and favor upon. It's no surprise, that this  "troubled" Mary and left her "considering what manner of greeting it was." Can you imagine her thinking, "Who me? Favored by God? Blessed among women? I'm just a young girl from Nazareth."  Nazareth wasn't looked fondly upon, remember Nathaniel in John 1:46, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” But this is how God deemed fitting to bring is His son into the world. This says so much about God, what matters to Him, and How he sees and evaluates.  "For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Sam 16:7)

But what is more interesting is the blessing and favor Mary experienced. I would suppose it is a bit different than what we would expect from such a claim. The virgin birth (although prophesied about by Isaiah centuries before) in an honor/shame based culture would have been undoubtedly a scandal that would have the whole town talking. Can you imagine bearing the stigma of being pregnant before marriage in that culture? According to the law, adultery was punishable by death! (see Leviticus 20:10) Or think about the 90 mile trek from Nazareth to Bethlehem Mary made...in her third trimester! Anything but comfortable, I'm sure. And it was only to get there to find that no place would let her in and ended up giving birth in a stable for animals, laying her newborn in a feeding trough! Did this offend Mary? What happened to being highly favored? She had believed and obeyed, and this was how she was treated? Was God testing them? Training them? Preparing them? Was he shaping them to base their hope in His promises and His nature rather than temporary ease and comfort? The promises of God undoubtedly must have been running through their minds throughout the course of the experience, sustaining them along the way. The Angel had foretold that her son would be great and will be called the Son of the Highest and sit on the throne of His Father David. And that he would reign over the house of Jacob forever and of His kingdom there will be no end. (cf. Isaiah 9:7)
Mary and Joseph would have been familiar with the promise made to David that from His line would come a King who would sit on the throne forever. And to think Mary was carrying this one inside her body!
"When your days are fulfilled and you rest with your fathers, I will set up your seed after you, who will come from your body, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for My name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever. And your house and your kingdom shall be established forever before you. Your throne shall be established forever"(2 Samuel 7:12-13,16, NKJV)
The whole scenario is teeming with conflicts and pressures inward and out. This is the setting God chooses and divinely sets up for the His entry into human history as a man. If we peer in just a little closer, the knowledge of God is dripping off of God's dealing with Mary. There's so much to be said about who He is, His works, and His ways. It's much more than a nice Christmas story, this really happened and it tells about what God is like and what He values.
For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God. (Luke 16:15)

Mary's experience shows us that being highly favored by God is more than having everything going your way and a smooth ride through life. Mary would certainly attest to this, in fact, in Luke 2:35, while Simeon is blessing Jesus, he tells Mary "a sword will pierce your own soul"referring to the pain of seeing Her Son crucified. Some blessing, eh? But she believed that she was involved in something so much greater than a life of side-stepping discomfort, therefore she obeyed. Oftentimes, I expect blessing and favor with God to translate to increase in wealth, comfort, and ease. However, a misplaced hope (blessings in this age) leads to painful letdowns, discouragement, disillusionment, offense, and depression. Don't get me wrong, God does bless our circumstances and we need to seek that from Him, but when our hope is anchored in His promises (rewards, blessings, resurrection, etc. in the age to come) we have a grid (ie. carrying the cross) for embracing suffering and self denial and can carry our heart like Mary with faith, obedience, and perseverance when the going gets rough! May God's great and precious promises fill our heart with grace and peace!

Advent Series: Peace on Earth

There are a lot of phrases or words that are associated with Christmas

Joy. Peace. Merry. Cheer.

One phrase that I've been pondering lately is "Peace on Earth"

The reason this line has become a Christmas slogan is because of something the angels said when they appeared to the shepherds near Bethlehem.

Luke 2:14 "Glory to God in the highest

and on earth peace, goodwill toward men"

I began to wonder what kind of peace Jesus brought to the Earth in His first coming.

He didn't bring peace between Israel and Rome, or the rest of the nations.

He didn't bring peace between person to person (Matt 10:34-35 Luke 12:51 - Do you suppose that I came to give peace on earth? I tell you, not at all, but rather division.)

So what kind of peace did He bring?

He brought a peace that saved our everlasting souls

He made peace between God and man.

Colossians 1:19-20

For it pleased the Father that in Him all the fullness should dwell, and by Him to reconcile all things to Himself, by Him, whether things on earth or things in heaven, having made peace through the blood of His cross.

Hallelujah! 

Jesus bore my sins inside His body and became accursed so that I would not be cut off from God's presence. He tore the veil and made a way for me to approach the Father.

Peace.

But, Jesus wasn't finished there.

He does plan to bring peace on Earth.

In fact, there will be a day when there is peace among the nations and wars cease to exist.

Everyone loves to quote Isaiah 9 in the Christmas season, but most of this section is about Jesus' second coming!

Isaiah 9:2, 6-7

The people who walked in darkness

Have seen a great light;

Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death,

Upon them a light has shined...

For unto us a Child is born,

Unto us a Son is given;

And the government will be upon His shoulder.

And His name will be called

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of His government and peace

There will be no end,

Upon the throne of David and over His kingdom,

To order it and establish it with judgment and justice

From that time forward, even forever.

The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this.

There will be a day where Jesus sits on a real throne on Earth and rules over the nations.

On that day, His government and peace will know no end.

He will be the perfect leader. He will be the just judge. He will be our King of Kings.

I'm thankful that the Lord of hosts is zealous to be made one with His creation.

We wait for that day with expectancy. 

Come Lord Jesus!

((Just wanted to let you guys in on something awesome for this advent season. Jake and I are doing an "advent calendar" where you read scripture about Christ's first and second coming every day. We're loving it! I have to be honest and say that I'm behind already, but it's been super edifying for us to go through together. You can find it here))