Jerusalem, if I forget you...

Wearing my 'watchmen on the wall' necklace every day lately in hopes that it may remind me to pray for Israel. 

My heart aches and my belly feels sick the more I hear about what's going on in the Middle East. 

There is so much unrest, and believe it or not, the nation of Israel is in someway linked to most of it. 

The devil hates everything that is dearest to God, and His chosen people are at the center of his rage.

I don't pretend to have a perfect revelation of God's heart for Israel.

I feel the temptation to be swayed by the current of the culture/media which is quick to point an unforgiving finger at this tiny nation. 

But I do know that God has wrapped up His very character and name in this people by making an everlasting covenant with them. 

I do know that we are commanded to pray for the peace of Jerusalem.

I do know that my invitation into the promises of God are only because of their waywardness.

I do know that the land matters to God and that He will have a Jewish king sitting on a throne in Jerusalem. 

I do know that their repentance will mean life from the dead (literally, the resurrection)

I do know that it is a dangerous thing to be apathetic about the things God is zealous for.

Isaiah 62:1, 6-7

For Zion’s sake I will not hold My peace,

And for Jerusalem’s sake I will not rest,

Until her righteousness goes forth as brightness,

And her salvation as a lamp that burns.

I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem;

They shall never hold their peace day or night.

You who make mention of the Lord, do not keep silent,

And give Him no rest till He establishes

And till He makes Jerusalem a praise in the earth.

Check out this message that Jake did this past Tuesday night at our House of Prayer's equipping service. I feel like it's a very clear call to understand the "mystery of Israel" and what our response should be. 

I am in no way saying that Israel as a political entity is perfect, or even should be wholeheartedly supported. 

My heart is that I would be burdened like Paul who said he would choose to be accursed if it meant his brethren might be saved, or like Jesus who wept over the hardened hearts in Jerusalem, or like Moses who was willing to put his own life on the line for his people. 

We as believers are forever linked to this people because our savior will forever be a Jewish man. 

Lord we pray that the people walking in darkness would see a great light! We pray that you would magnify Jesus, their long awaited Messiah and King! Bring your everlasting peace to Jerusalem and establish her with a government that will know no end! Come Lord Jesus! (Isaiah 9)

Taking Stock

 

 

Making : to-do lists for our upcoming move to Minnesota in November! (more to come on that subject)

Cooking : (baking) my mom's recipe for zucchini bread. So tasty!

Drinking : lots and lots of water, which means lots and lots of potty breaks for this pregnant lady

Reading: "Husband Coached Childbirth" again, and "Origins" Did I mention I'm pregnant?

Wanting: a trip to the coast! I feel so lost in the summer when I haven't been to the beach.

Playing: Izzy seems to like when we use the record player, so it's oldies for us.

Sewing: I wish I could say I had a sewing project in the works. I have so many dreams, but nothing I'm actually working on. My mom and I are making plans for her to whip up some crib sheets for baby #2

Wishing: I had a little more energy and motivation

Enjoying: this stage of 'toddlerhood' with Israel. He seriously brings us so much joy!

Liking: taking long walks with my little family

Wondering: what is going to happen in the nations (specifically the Middle East) over the next months/years? We are living in some mind blowing/crazy/sobering/exciting times. 

Hoping: to get Iz and I on a more regular day-to-day schedule. 

Marveling: at the patience and kindness of God

Needing: a body pillow for this growing belly

Smelling: the flowers on my table

Wearing: whatever is comfy and fits! 

Thinking: this summer is going to fly by

Feeling: ^ like it already has!

Bookmarking: gender neutral baby things since we're not finding out the gender this time!

Anyone else want to join in on this list? I saw it on another blog and thought it would be a nice and easy way for me to share a little update. 

Minnesota Trip

We're currently in Minnesota for 3 weeks, visiting family and friends and seeking the Lord for some vision and direction for the next phase of life. We've felt God stirring up new excitement and passion over the last year and sense a move toward pursuing some of them. I know those were some super vague statements, but we really are trying to figure everything out ourselves. We've spent a lot of time in prayer, seeking counsel, and mapping out all the pros and cons of some different options. It's been an emotional time for me, as I feel like I've been a few steps behind Jake in hearing from God/feeling excited and passionate about change. Change. It's become a lot more intimidating now that I've become a mama. Change means challenging times with a toddler. Change means my weaknesses become a lot more obvious and I have to lean more heavily on the Holy Spirit. Change; not a bad thing, but almost always brings something hard. I'm crying out for a yielded heart that says "not my will but Yours be done." Anyways, here are some pictures from our time here so far.

 Izzy has become a fan of all things water, as long as he doesn't get too wet. 

 Izzy and his new friend Maddox sharing some cheerios together

 I learned how to make challah bread and am so excited to make it again!

 I savored my mother-in-laws last peonies of the year

 Izzy's first time at a splash pad. He loved watching the other kids and sticking his shoes in the water

 Minneapolis 

 Sipping a drink at one of our favorite cafes.

 I'm not sure who enjoys chalk time more, Jake or Izzy.

 We went on a date to Stillwater and took a cruise down the St. Croix

(really blurry picture, but I love it so much!)

This guy has been a trooper this trip. We've taken him to so many new places, skipped naps, ate at strange times and basically tossed everything he once knew as normal out the window. He's had his melt down moments, but for the most part is handling it like a champ. 

A Worm

Have you ever felt like your character was in question?

Have you ever felt like you weren't trusted?

Have you ever felt misunderstood?

Have you ever felt evaluated and found wanting?

You know why all of those things feel so terrible when we experience them? 

It's because we love ourselves.

We can be so consumed with 'me' that any attack against this obsession leaves us angry, resentful, and defensive. 

So why not defend our honor and set the record straight? 

Isn't that only fair? 

Isn't that just?

Well, we will almost always react rather than respond.

We will almost always bring others lower in order to raise ourselves higher.

We will almost always give in to arrogance before all is said and done. 

Hallelujah! There is good news in all of this! 

We have the most beautiful example in Jesus; the most misunderstood man.

His character was questioned, and he did not defend.

He was not trusted, but he did not react.

He was misunderstood, and continued to puzzle the masses.

His reputation was drug through the mud, but he showed us meakness.

"In a pathetic passage in a prophetic psalm, He (Jesus) says,

'I am a worm, and no man.'

Those who have been in tropical lands tell us the difference between a snake and a worm, when you attempt to strike at them. The snake rears itself up and hisses and tries to strike back- a true picture of self. But a worm offers no resistance, it allows you to do what you like with it, kick it or squash it under your heel- a picture of true brokenness." Roy Hession - The Calvary Road

The cross is the most relevant message to me daily. 

I don't ever graduate from this lesson.

The cross isn't our 'stepping stone' onto bigger and better things.

The cross needs to be ever before me, or else I quickly begin to wander. 

"Brokenness in daily experience is simply the response of humility to the conviction of God. And inasmuch as this conviction is continuous, we shall need to be broken continually. And this can be very costly, when we see all the yielding of rights and selfish interests that this will involve, and the confessions and restitutions that may be sometimes necessary. For this reason, we are not likely to be broken except at the cross of Jesus. The willingness of Jesus to be broken for us is the all-compelling motive in our being broken too." Roy Hession

It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

Oh Lord, give me grace to follow in this beautiful example.

Crumbled

This past year has been the hardest of my life.

 I feel like I got T-boned by motherhood and I'm still in a state of shock as I pick up the pieces while my ears continue to ring from the crash. 

I felt a little sheepish about sharing this with people, because in reality, my life is pretty good. 

I have an amazing husband, a healthy baby (toddler?), a cozy home, food on the table, a supportive community and family nearby.

What more could I ask for?

The storm has been raging on the inside, and underneath my smile and upbeat personality, I've been drowning. 

A few months ago as I was attempting to process some of the emotions that were swirling inside of me I realized a very interesting trend.

All of my life I've been able to be good, or even great, at whatever I do. 

Give me a goal, some guidelines or rules, a time limit and I'm there. 

If at any point I realize that I'm not going to succeed, or be the best, I quit.

I quit.

I run away.

I escape.

I have more stories than I'd like to admit where when faced with weakness or possible failure, I've run for the hills in order to 'save face.' 

For most of my post-high school life I've been in some kind of structured internship or program where I've been able to succeed.

The expectations were set and I was able to meet them, exceed them, and strive for more.

Motherhood is a whole new ballgame.

Success doesn't have a clear definition and being the best doesn't necessarily mean that you have anything to show for it.

And the hardest part of all; there's no escaping when you feel like a failure.

Feeling like a failure while at the same time being struck with the 'mundaneness' of motherhood sent me reeling. 

Now comes in the most helpful article I've read in a long time by a guy named David Sliker.

His post about being 'ordinary' brought to light so much of the struggle going on inside of me.

"The language of the modern church reflects a worldview that is slightly different than the Bible’s definition of success. The cry is often heard at youth gatherings and conferences: “You’re special. You’re powerful. You’re great. You can change the world!” There is a major difference between having a positive outlook and preaching unbiblical positivism. Unbiblical positivism has another name: flattery. Flattery initially feels good to the soul, but is ultimately very damaging to the heart over the long-term. The problems with flattery lie within its vanity and powerlessness to equip the heart for the toils and snares of life."

In other words, I had a self-absorbed and extremely inflated view of myself that loathed weakness and scorned the simplicity and, dare I say, invisible life of a mom. 

When the programs, the awards, the A's, and the acknowledgements disappeared, I felt naked and shaky in my own identity. 

"Some refuse to face the truth about their daily life. They cling to the fantasy they bought wholeheartedly in their younger days, which makes the eventual collision with truth more painful. When life comes crashing into the one who believed the flattering words of a self-absorbed messenger, the consequences are tragic. The heart hardens quickly. Cynicism and bitterness are the beginning of the new life that awaits the disillusioned. Compromise often follows."

I was angry at God.

I was confused, wounded, and depressed.

I felt hardness creeping into my heart and shame coaxed me to isolate, numb, and give myself over to despair.

If it were up to me, I would have stayed in bed all day.

There was no escaping.

There was no quick fix or just right answer.

In fact, I wish I could in all honesty talk about this in a 'past tense' way, but I can't.

This is still hard for me. 

Being great, being in ministry, being gifted, being in the forefront was so woven into the core of me that when it was stripped, I crumbled.

I still feel like I'm in pieces.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed- always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

And now the task is given to me to die. Daily. 

To take up my cross and follow.

"God's not out to hurt your pride, he's out to kill it!"

He's crushing my pride, my vanity, my self-centeredness in hopes of beauty on the other side.

He's looking to make me like gold, which is only perfected through fire.

In his wisdom he gave me the desire to be a mom, knowing that motherhood happened in the background, in the late nights, and in the laying down of my life. 

He does have a plan for me that is extraordinary and through my selfish desires I interpreted that to mean my own greatness.

But in the end, He will receive glory from my life; a broken and contrite spirit that comes from years of patient endurance and faithfulness, by the grace of God!

Fa la la la late!

Even though we're well into February, I'm going to update you all on our Christmas.

Yep, I'm a little bit behind.

I even had an Advent Series post almost completely finished but I never posted it.

traveling + holidays + sickness + sleeplessness = no blogging.

On to Christmas!

This was our first Christmas as a family of 3 and it was so much fun to reminisce about what life looked like just one year before. 

I was very pregnant.

We had a homeless woman living with us.

And we (well mostly me) were desperate to get moved into our new house.

It was an interesting, challenging, and expectant Christmas.

This one was also filled with a few trials, but extremely fun and fulfilling nonetheless.

We knew we were leaving on the 20th on an eighteen hour journey to Minnesota, so we made sure to decorate earlier this year in order to soak it all in. 

Also, this Christmas season was hugely impacted by the focus God was giving us on advent. 

We really enjoyed going through different passages in the Bible highlighting Jesus' first and second coming.

It was very special for Jake and I to do that together.

We liked it so much that we also started up a bible reading plan for the new year.

Izzy was a road trip pro and made the car ride a breeze on the way out.

We stopped in Indiana as the halfway point both ways with our dear friends the Beilers.

Those were precious moments spent with that family. 

Our time in Minnesota started out just as we hoped; filled with family, friends, good food, our wonderful church, and cherished memories made. 

We are so grateful for that first week.

But then, sickness hit. And it hit hard.

All 3 of us got knocked out by some sort of flu or virus or something.

I don't know what it was, but it was awful.

We spent our last week taking care of each other, lounging on the couch, puking, coughing, wiping noses, shivering, aching, and just plain old miserable.

We even stayed an extra day because I wasn't well enough to travel.

Bummer!

It was sort of the best and the worst time to get sick.

The best because Jake's family was so helpful with Izzy and took great care of us.

The worst because we only get to be in Minnesota once in a while and we wanted to make the most of it. 

Either way, it was still special. Jake's whole family got to be together all under one roof and for that I am very grateful.

Now, enough of my rambly-journaling and on to the pictures!

 We got to host our Gateway Staff Christmas party in our home. One thing I've learned about myself over the last year is how much I LOVE to host.

 Izzy got a bunch of his Dad's old animals for Christmas. 

We think he likes them, based on how often he growls at them. 

 A bunch of blonde boys tearing up a phone book. Who knew that could be so fun?

 At first, he was terrified of her. By the end of the visit, he loved her.

 How many Paurus' can you fit on a bed?

Snuggly walks

Found the perfect Christmas PJs at Goodwill.... in January. Oh well.

Sweet dreams!