Journal

So, I'm going to post another journal entry that we had to write for my internship. The topic was to share about a significant revelation that caused our love or passion for God to grow. As I thought about what to write, so many instances came to mind, but one stood out among the rest. So, here it is:

It was some time in March 2010 when God awakened my heart to a concept that I had heard plenty of times before, but it had never sunk in. Three of my teammates and I were driving from a tiny village in Hungary back to our home in the suburbs of Vienna, Austria. It was late at night and two of my teammates had already fallen asleep. The driver was a guy named Jake, who is now my boyfriend but at this time was just a friend and to be frank, at times a thorn in my side :) Assuming that everyone in the car was asleep he turned off the music we had been listening to and switched to a sermon on his i-pod. As soon as I heard the preacher's voice and recognized it as Mike Bickle I got so annoyed. Over the 2 years or so prior to this point Jake fell head over heals in love with God and was so 'extreme' in my eyes. His passion, pursuit, discipline, joy, all of it bothered me because I was jealous, I didn't understand it, and it seemed so dramatic. God gave him a passion for prayer, and Jake used IHOP as a resource for teachings and the online prayer room could often be heard coming out of his bedroom. So, in my mind, I associated Mike Bickle as the source of Jake's strange transformation and was completely turned off to anything he had to say. Plus, I knew he taught about the Song of Solomon which in my mind was the creepiest piece of literature ever! Unable to fall asleep, and too lazy to pull out my own i-pod to tune out Bickle's voice, I lazily listened to the sermon. The next hour or so, I silently wept in the back seat of our old Volkswagon as God opened my eyes and my heart to the First Commandment. The revelation that Jesus Himself said that this was the most important thing for the saints to grasp was mind boggling. How had I never heard this before? Why did it seem like the church was preaching so many other things as priority number one? I wasted so many hours worrying about what my vision and purpose was when it was staring me in the face all along! This is the calling of God for the church, to love Him with everything we have. Suddenly the country or the ministry or the skills I once felt were so crucial to knowing my future seemed pointless. In the next days I couldn't get enough time with God. Christianity becoming all about love liberated me. It empowered me to seek God all the more. It also unlocked more and more the reality of God's vast love for us. I haven't been the same since. Around that time I started praying, reading the Bible, and fasting more than I ever had before. The fruit came quickly and I became a different person. I was able to love others and view the ministry I was apart of with a fresh outlook. We are way more energized to love others when we are consumed with love for God first. I decided to become a student of how to love God with all of my heart, all of my soul, all of my mind, and all of my strength for the rest of my life. What a destiny! (And in case you were wondering, my outlook toward Jake obviously changed too. Of course I liked him during the time that he bothered me so badly, but learning about love opened my eyes to his 'odd' behavior. Yep, he had it right all along and I was finally able to love him).

I love Wednesdays

My day set apart.
I say no when my work calls
I linger in the prayer room
I drink hot tea
I might even take a nap
I'll probably listen to a sermon
I cuddle up with my "Passion for Jesus" book by Mike Bickle
And I'll probably check the mail at least 4 times hoping for a letter from my Jacob

Happy 100th Post!

Here's a cute video I made yesterday with my nephew. He was giving out so many kisses, and of course as soon as I grabbed the camera he wasn't as willing. I still think it's a cute video.

V is for Valentine

My first Valentines day with a special someone. Our day went like this:

• I sent him an illegal text message wishing him happy v-day. shhh! don't tell people!
• I watched the prayer room webstream to catch a glimpse of his handsome face
•  And while eating dinner with my parents I received some pretty roses

Not your typical Valentines day but that's ok. We already decided we would make it up later when we're together. :) I don't need one day of the year to tell someone how much I care about them, but it is nice to have times set aside just for that. I have a wonderful boyfriend and pen pal and our friendship is growing all the time. God has been so good to us in these challenging circumstances and I have no doubt that this time will only strengthen the both of us.

Practicing His Presence

I had to write a paper about how the book "Practicing His Presence" impacted me. I wanted to post a couple excerpts here as an update on what is going on inside of me. It's a bit lengthy so feel free to just read the quotes from the book that I pasted because those are pretty good without me saying anything at all :)

"My prayers are nothing other than a sense of the presence of God. My soul is simply insensible, at the time, to anything but divine love. When the appointed time of prayer has passed, I find no difference because I still continue with God, praising and blessing Him with all my might, so that I might pass my life in continual joy."

• This short little phrase from Frank gave me a practical picture of how to seek first the Kingdom of God. There will always be seemingly mundane or normal aspects of life that we must do. Cleaning, cooking, driving, working, whatever it may be, we can do them while still seeking first the Kingdom of God.  The attitude of our hearts during our times set apart with God should be no different than when we are outwardly doing ‘earthly’ tasks. We can continually seek, gaze, and worship no matter what the outward circumstance. This is living with eternity in view and our minds set on the things of Heaven. We are spiritual beings, we don’t set that aspect of us aside when we do things that don’t require, so to speak, our Spirit. If we engage our Spirit in communion with God in those moments, I believe intimacy and growth abound. I’m so excited to see God’s grace develop this more and more in my life.

“It is not the fashion to tell your inmost thoughts, but there are many wrong fashions, and concealment of the best in us is wrong. I disapprove of the usual practice of talking ‘small talk’ whenever we meet, and holding a veil over our souls. If we are so impoverished that we have nothing to reveal but small talk, then we need to struggle for more richness of soul.”

• This truth convicted me on many levels. There are so many times when I don’t like to reveal to people what is truly on my heart and mind because I feel like they don’t want to actually hear it when they ask. In reality, if what is happening in me is of God and brings life and truth, I shouldn’t hide it! Yes, there may be times when you have to rearrange how you explain it depending on the listener, but God makes us messengers and we have a command to tell people about Him. Our brothers and sisters in Christ can be encouraged or challenged by our testimonies. I don’t want to be selfish with what God is showing me, or fear being thought to be a fool, or just plain apathetic about the commands of God. He’s worthy of the adoration of every person. Also, this made me desire to discover more of God’s character and will day in and day out. If a day goes by where I haven’t encountered Him in some way, be it ever so small, it was a day wasted. If I’m truly choosing to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord I will never lack “richness of soul.”

“If our religious premises are correct at all then this oneness with God is the most normal condition one can have. It is what made Christ, Christ.” – “As for me, I never lived, I was half dead, I was a rotting tree, until I reached the place where I wholly, with utter honesty, resolved and then re-resolved that I would find God’s will and I would do that will though every fibre in me said no, and I would win the battle in my thoughts.” – “I know why God left this aching void – for Himself to fill.”

• This book doesn’t depict a nice way to live life or a new take on Christianity, it is the practical application of what God’s heart is longing for from each of us! That is so intensely controversial even in my own heart/mind. He wants to draw us away from all of the other voices and things that numb us and cause us to be deaf to His calls. He wants us to desire Him more than anything we can find on this earth. I've heard the verse about loving God with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength since a very young age, but it’s rare to see people believing that God really meant it when He said it. God doesn’t use half hearted language in the Word. It’s all or nothing. You’re either completely consumed or you’re not. I don’t believe there is ever ‘stagnant’ times in our walk with God. We’re either moving toward Him or away from Him. We’re either sowing seeds of righteousness or sowing seeds of our sinful nature. To follow Him means to die! The cross He asks us to take up isn’t some symbol to wear around your neck, it means a death sentence daily! This is when we truly live. This is when we can have the fragrance of life and exude the juicy fruits of the Spirit. I’m committed to resolve and then re-resolve, day in and day out, to find out the will of God and walk in it for the rest of my life.

“And if you should forget Him for minutes or even days, do not groan or repent, but begin anew with a smile. Every minute can be a fresh beginning.” -- “All thought employs silent words and is really conversation with your inner self. Instead of talking to yourself, form the habit of talking to Christ.”

• This practical help has been so life giving to me. Until that wonderful day when practicing His presence becomes much more natural, I’m going to make many mistakes. It’s so freeing to remember God’s character in those moments. He is so gracious and extremely pumped about every attempt I make to be nearer to Him. He empowers, not condemns. I'm a thinker. I’m sure that everyone thinks a lot, but I believe I might think more than most. The concept of just conversing with God in those moments is so simple but yet intensely profound. He’s the only one listening anyway! While pondering I’m trusting His wisdom instead of my own.

Strong Love

I am so overwhelmed by God's love for us amidst our weakness and sin. Yesterday was one of those days where I was painfully aware of my sinful nature, and I could feel Satan's attempts to advance on me in my weakened state. But God, in His tenderness and mercy, picked me up, held me close, and reminded me of truth. No guilt! No shame! I'm welcomed back with open arms after I've ignored His calls and done things my own way. I'm reminded again and again that this is my purpose in life, to love Him and be loved by Him. The shepherd of my soul will guide me in my journey to always stay near as I learn to know His voice and respond. I highly suggest for anyone reading this to look up the song "Strong Love" by Jon Thurlow, turn the volume up a bit louder, and feel free to do a jig. It's so refreshing when the truth of His love sets us free!

Thirst

There is one habit I have had since a very young age that I can't seem to break (I'll admit I haven't tried very hard either). Whenever I'm thirsty I walk to the fridge, open the door, take out a bottle of whatever it is I'm looking for, and drink straight out of the bottle. My parents used to scold me so badly that I would do it in secret! Now, I've justified it because the only other person that drinks the apple juice (my latest abused drink of choice) is my 3 year old nephew and he wouldn't care if my mouth touched the bottle, right?? I also justify it because I know drinking lots of sugary fake juice from concentrate is not very good for me, so, instead of pouring myself a tall glass, that I'm sure I'll finish, I only allow myself a swig here and there. I'm trying to be healthy!! Anyway, this evening I came home from a long day of work feeling not so satisfied with how I spent my day. I gave in to selfishness, pity parties, and pride and ignored the calls of the Holy Spirit to come close. I blamed it on my busy day, knowing full well that I had no excuse. I tried to sit in the living room with my mom to knit, but I wasn't getting much done because of how thirsty I was. I kept running back into the kitchen, refusing to fill up a glass, and taking swig after swig of apple juice. It wasn't quenching my thirst and honestly I started to get a belly ache! Finally, as I gave in to wisdom, I filled up a big tall water bottle with ice cold water and drank deep. Soon after, I realized I was experiencing one of those teachable moments that Pastors love to preach about on Sunday mornings. The Holy Spirit showed me how thirsty I was in my soul, but kept trying to 'wet my whistle' so to speak, with all the wrong things. It was nothing major, but enough subtle distractions and poor choices that Satan used so strategically! So, without guilt or shame, I changed the course of my evening, with water bottle in one hand and the Word in the other. Oh man, He's so kind in how He draws us back and leads us to repentance! I love it!!

"If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." 

I believe it! Let it be so!