This Mother's Day has come with a lot of feelings
This is true for so many women
Moms who have lost children, young and old
Women longing to have children but can't
Mothers who have passed away, making this day a time of mourning and remembrance
Today I woke up to the happiest little 4 month old laying next to me
His sweet gummy smile and wiggly thunder thighs filling my heart to the brim
It almost made me forget the reason he was in my bed in the first place
Abe has some skin issues that have us stumped
It affects his sleeping, his eating, and basically makes him miserable whenever he has a flare up
Last night I couldn't handle watching him rub his face raw, so I slept with my arm pinning his hands down the whole night
After that I went in to my 2 year old's room and heard his cute little voice ask,
"Hello Mama! What are you doing?"
(This question is more of a greeting than an actual inquiry)
His first words of the day were exclamations about diggers and dump trucks and trains
And then hunger set in and he requested "eggsy toast?"
Experiencing him grow in communication and imagination filled my heart to the brim
It almost made me forget his independent 2 year old tantrums
And dinner time
I don't even want to think about how dinner time goes most nights
That's how most of my days are since becoming a mom
Motherhood has brought me to the deepest and darkest of lows
And to the brightest and sunniest of highs
How can 2 little people make me laugh so hard in one moment, and cry even harder the next?
These past 4 months have been some of the darkest
There has been:
Sickness, depression, exhaustion, a death in the family, and a move halfway across the country
Dealing with just one of those circumstances would be hard
All of them at once, at times, seemed unbearable
The biggest challenge was battling the temptation to be offended at God
I hated the trials I was facing
I despised weakness
And on most days I scorned my role as a mother
This season has made me painfully aware that my view on suffering is not a biblical one
So often my response was:
"If you really loved me you would _________!"
When in reality the discipline itself was proof of his love
The discipline of the Father that was supposed to humble me and send me to my knees in surrender and prayer, instead made me question God and in my pride I got angry and doubted His goodness
Abe has some skin issues that have us stumped
It affects his sleeping, his eating, and basically makes him miserable whenever he has a flare up
Last night I couldn't handle watching him rub his face raw, so I slept with my arm pinning his hands down the whole night
After that I went in to my 2 year old's room and heard his cute little voice ask,
"Hello Mama! What are you doing?"
(This question is more of a greeting than an actual inquiry)
His first words of the day were exclamations about diggers and dump trucks and trains
And then hunger set in and he requested "eggsy toast?"
Experiencing him grow in communication and imagination filled my heart to the brim
It almost made me forget his independent 2 year old tantrums
And dinner time
I don't even want to think about how dinner time goes most nights
That's how most of my days are since becoming a mom
Motherhood has brought me to the deepest and darkest of lows
And to the brightest and sunniest of highs
How can 2 little people make me laugh so hard in one moment, and cry even harder the next?
These past 4 months have been some of the darkest
There has been:
Sickness, depression, exhaustion, a death in the family, and a move halfway across the country
Dealing with just one of those circumstances would be hard
All of them at once, at times, seemed unbearable
The biggest challenge was battling the temptation to be offended at God
I hated the trials I was facing
I despised weakness
And on most days I scorned my role as a mother
This season has made me painfully aware that my view on suffering is not a biblical one
So often my response was:
"If you really loved me you would _________!"
When in reality the discipline itself was proof of his love
The discipline of the Father that was supposed to humble me and send me to my knees in surrender and prayer, instead made me question God and in my pride I got angry and doubted His goodness
This has been a time of crushing
I feel weaker than I ever have
I am learning to kiss the wave that slams me into the Rock of ages
I am learning to consider it pure joy whenever I face trials
I am learning to be united to Christ through suffering
I am learning to be trained by discipline
I am learning that the gospel isn't about having an easy life
So this Mother's Day I woke up with a lot of feelings
Feeling grateful to be gifted with two beautiful boys
Feeling exhausted and worn thin by some of the challenges that come with parenting them
My flesh wants the sleepless nights, the inconvenience, and the pain to end
But the Spirit says to lay down my life
So today I hold tight and kiss these little waves of mine
And welcome the crushing that comes from that solid Rock
