A Sin That So Easily Entangles

There are times that I feel compelled to blog about something going on in my life

As you can see from my sporadic posting, I don't feel that very often

But tonight, I felt it

 And even though I'm tired and it's way past my bedtime, I'm going to do my best to write

On April 3rd just before 5 in the morning, I was in Abe's dark bedroom nursing

Usually I would sit in my armchair with eyes closed, trying to stay as relaxed as possible

I would quietly wait for Abe to drift off so that I could stumble my way back to bed

Suddenly, the stillness and silence was interrupted by the sound of my husband weeping

He pushed open the door, and through sobs, told me the news that his older sister had taken her life

We sat there together, tears flowing, hearts broken, mind confused, hoping this was all a dream

We had just spent the prior weekend together

Only 4 days ago we had hugged her

Laughed with her

Played with her

Ate with her

We knew she was at a very low point

I had told her that weekend;

"We're both a mess right now. We can do it together!"

One of my first reactions when finding out the terrible news was anger

I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and say;

"I don't want to live either Val, but we don't get to choose death!"

It's not an option

For the past 7 months I have experienced the deepest depression I've ever gone through

My days were surrounded by a darkness you could feel

It was like a heavy blanket that suffocated my breath, muffled the words of truth, and blinded my eyes from clarity 

In my weakness I welcomed bitterness, resentment, and self pity as companions

What I didn't realize, was that the first was a stronger force than I had ever reckoned with and was out to take my life

Bitterness began to wind itself around my heart like a thorny invasive weed and I was powerless to free myself from his tight grasp 

I was so angry at God and began to doubt his goodness

Because of those doubts, I became stubborn and would not cry out for help

This emptiness became my new normal

I lost the will to fight and strain against the strangling chords

I felt myself slip into acceptance mingled with despair

I was losing hope and that is one thing you cannot live without

On a mild summer night in June I sat on my in-laws front step with Jake and his younger sister Mel

Under the glow of the street lights we covered many topics

One thing you can be sure of in this packed full house of 8 Paurus', a day doesn't go by without us talking about Val

Most of the time I just sit there and listen

Taking it all in

Letting the words, tears, and times of silence paint pictures of the sister I wish I knew more

The 3 of us were doing just that

Painting with words

Asking hard questions

Allowing tears to fall

It had been a long time since I felt like I heard from the Lord but in that moment it was clear as can be

I remembered a sculpture that Val had made after graduating from college

It was one of those pieces of art that captivates and disturbs at the same time

Part of you wants to look away, but a still stronger part holds your gaze

I remembered the heart

Tethered and tied up in a box

I knew in that moment that my own heart looked like that

I felt God gently but firmly tell me that the battle for my heart was a matter of life or death

Nothing spectacular happened right then and there, but from that moment on there was a cry for help inside of me

I knew I was too weak to overcome the sin that had entangled me-

But I had to trust that his power was perfect in my weakness

In the last couple weeks I've started to feel the change

Slowly but surely my cold hardened heart is melting

It's like the master gardener is snipping the thick vines one by one

And I can finally breathe again

I can finally say that I have hope

I can finally say that I believe that God is good

I wish I could have walked through this journey with my sweet sister in-law

I wish I would have told her just how dark my days were, so that I could share the light I now see

I can't, and I know how unhealthy it is for me to dwell on the "I wish" and "if onlys" 

But I knew I was supposed to write this blog post

Because maybe there's someone who might stumble upon my weak and feeble journey and find comfort in it

Know this:

He hears the cry of the broken and the destitute

He really does have timing that is perfect

He is near in the midst of pain

He sees your weak love as real love

There is no pit too deep

No sin too disgraceful

No heart too dark

If you listen and watch, you'll notice His goodness all around

He's inviting you to draw near

to simply ask

All it takes is one cry for help

And he will rescue you