For Clara

Last Sunday I was home for church and a lovely woman named Clara told me that she still reads my blog. That is inspiration enough for me to update.

My time here back on Bethany campus has been really great. It's been wonderful to be around some good old friends making memories and cherishing this short summer we have together. The evenings have been fun and lighthearted and the weekends have been full of adventures and relaxation. I haven't had that in a long time. Still during this time it has been a bit of a struggle to engage in the two focuses that our college is requiring us to pay attention to right now: debriefing Austria and figuring out what is to come in the future. A long with the decision making for the future we've been asked to focus a lot on who we are, what we've learned and how God has gifted us or what passions He has given us. I'm pretty sure that every human has the capacity to be a good processor, but sometimes I seriously doubt my ability to do that. Maybe I just haven't figured out what works best for me, but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around all of these topics. I've felt so tempted to be afraid and nervous that God will not speak, or that when He does speak I won't like the answer. True to His character, God has used this opportunity of my extreme weakness to be my source of strength.

It all came to a climax when last week my Grandma died. She was my last grandparent alive on earth and I was really bummed I was unable to be home during her last days in the hospital. She lived a good long life, so her death in itself wasn't as earth shattering as my feeling of helplessness and loneliness away from home, away from family, and full of confusion in my own heart and mind about my own life and circumstances. But in the midst of the wave, God was faithful to pull me up. My pastor from back home preached a sermon on Job this Sunday that was so timely to hear. The God that fills all of the requirements of Job 38-41 (who shut up the sea, has seen the gates of shadow and death, the father of the drops of dew, who sends the lightning bolts on their way..... just to name a few things) He knows what is going on with me, He is in every way good, and only He knows. I just have to be ok with that, and I think that's enough for me.

At the end of the sermon we sang the hymn "Be Still My Soul" and it touched me deeply to be reminded how through God's love and my dependence on Him I can be lead to a joyful end. Here are some of the lyrics.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Oh, and last but not least, I got to see my newest nephew again :)